Trust

It is strange being back in limbo awaiting lab results which I really don't feel will be favorable. I feel like I'm in an unknowing place. God could allow or not allow me to embark on this and it once again comes down to a simple thing. Simple things have kept me from other major changes in life. Some have even saved me. And those are the ones I know about.

What makes this all the more concerning is that it is coming down to the last hour. A rejection at the front end of this would have been a small blip - yet one more opportunity that would not happen. But now, after months of hope, language study, purchases, scheduling, reworking the whole of our futures - it is a lot. Lincoln has quit a job and plans to move up on the mountain, legal forms have been drawn up, Natalie has thought through her plans for the next two years, YouTube channels, videos, and blogs have been created, people are expecting me to go. 

And mostly, I was expecting to go. All my hopes, plans, and desire was to do this thing - to let it change me, broaden me out, turn me into someone better, more understanding - more Christlike. 

Yes, I have left it in the hands of God but I didn't expect him to make it so devastating here at what should have been the end of an almost sure thing. So much has sailed through without too much complication. And when additional efforts and tasks had to be made - I jumped on them and tried to make every additional requirement that came my way - every additional blood test, all costs, all inconveniences just be a matter of necessity - the price needed to qualify for such a thing. 

If they reject me now, I can only go along with what I have always said and believed - that God knows better and will eventually take me down the path I really should travel. I just don't know what else that would be right now. It's hard to accept an alternative path right now, I'm too close to it. I can't possibly see or understand the bigger picture. 

Well, there won't be anything I can do about it. The decision rests with the lab results and in the Madagascar Medical and staff people. All of that can be influenced by God should he wish it. I must just resolve to go with whatever the decision is as I can do no more - just accept it as God's will. 

Does this build me up, does this make me stronger - to have faith and trust in God - even when he shows his hand in the final moments? 

Yes.