Adventure's End

Manda, Salva and me

Tuesday, 15 August 2023 (183)

Long ride to Tana with little air circulation but it was a nicer Soatrans bus. Rindra came and picked me up at the Soatrans station. She negotiated a lower fee with a taxi to take me to the hub but of course I paid him more.

Later we had lunch, where else but KFC, I gave her a box of my cooking things and my Sony Z1 camera. I could have kept it (it was brand new) but would I use it as I have so many other cameras. She would never be able to buy it and may find it tremendously useful where I may just put it away and never use it. We can be stingy or selfish with what we have or give it all away and hope that others are better blessed by it.

I signed up to be a 12 step program moderator back home and wrote an email to the bishop letting him know I'm coming back. I can't sleep, can't put it all together yet. I know it will take time to process and see this all better when I have put it behind me.

Dr. Clertant and I

Wednesday, 16 August 2023 (184)

Very busy day starting with a medical review just outside my door at the medical offices here at the hub. Doctor Tahiry went over about 20 items including medications I need to take, insurance issues, getting the real physical, chest x-ray, and blood tests back in the states, the vouchers for those. I have to continue on my meds for a while and he added more to combat any possible Malaria, Shisto and other issues.

I started handing out American candy bars (Mars and Snickers) here and continued at the Peace Corps HQ. About 18 so far. I want to go out with a bang and let them know how appreciative and thankful I am for all their efforts. I get to write up my own history of what I did here as well as for the "Black Book" which is a write up about my community and it strengths, weaknesses and resources.

I still have a few people to talk with including the Country Director. 

My flight leaves at 11:55pm and they will come and get me at 8:30. I'm excited and realistically feel detached about saying goodbye. I'd be a wreck if and when it does hit me. My days of helping here are ended. I know I did little, I know I could have done more, I know I tried but I could have tried more.

It's been an adventure and the adventure continues but with different people in different places.

So they did arrive on time. It was just a 20 minute ride to the airport maybe 15 kilos out of town. My driver stayed with me as I got my ticket and headed to security. I gave him the last of my unspent money - maybe 50,000 ariary ($10).The airport was a lot larger than I imagined. Arrivals is very small but departures - very big. There were a lot of people on a few late night flights. The gift shop was charging 13 euros for a Madagascar chocolate bar I could buy elsewhere for $2. I sat in a middle seat between two french women. I think the one on my left, would have liked to spend more time with me as we both had long layovers. She delayed getting off the plane with me as I was in no hurry. Fortunately, I lost her at the airport lavatories.

Dobby's Last Photo

Thursday, 17 August 2023
(185 - let's make this the last day of the Peace Corps Madagascar Adventure)

Paris is so real world or the real world as I remember it. Everything is so expensive. A banana is ten times more the cost as one in Madagascar. I'm also at a loss at what language to speak. I've been defaulting to Madagascar for so long. It doesn't work here and I can't think of the appropriate French words. Any thoughts or conversation seems to be a mix of three languages with some French thrown in. 

Before boarding, I did meet a Dutch family and think I spoke better Dutch than any Malagasy I would have previously spoke. Except for throwing a Malagasy word or two in the mix. I guess I won't be using Malagasy anymore. Nice to put it on a list of languages I know (ha) but the reality is I know it so poorly that it shouldn't count. I have no idea how Peace Corps thinks we are at an intermediate level.

A three hour layover before I board a flight to Atlanta. On the tram to the new terminal and gate, there was a little black kid with his family. I still had some small chocolate candies in my fanny pack. I gave him one and don't feel guilty as Amanda suggested I should.

The Atlanta leg is only nine hours while the Paris leg was ten and a half. On the Paris flight I sat next to two girls headed to the AMazon in Brazil. Again, my Dutch was still with me.

So this is the end of the Madagascar Adventure. By the way, I applied for two positions with the Peace Corps in Samoa. Both were for 6 months stints as a communications expert. Perhaps the adventure will continue afterall.

Conspiring to Change Roles

Sahanivotry from the hill

Wednesday, 9 August 2023 (177)

Here's the letter I wrote for ECA to use however they like. I think they were planning on sending it exactly as it is. They texted me tonight it was sent. Probably just to the head of the Health program here, maybe also to the English program head, but not likely to the new Country Director.

Dear Peace Corps Director, Health, and Education Staff:

Thank you for all your assistance to the ECA school through the years here in Antsirabe. As you know, we recently lost our Peace Corps volunteer Michelle last month. She has left a large gap in our ability to share American English and culture to our students. 

Fortunately, we have recently started to work with Rick Porter, one of your health volunteers who is currently serving in Sahanivotry. He has been here on several occasions and taught English and conversations with our students. We are very impressed with his teaching abilities as well as his energy, enthusiasm, and love for the students. We would like to have him teach here more often. We have heard about his extensive teaching skills, and they are obvious. He is very good at holding the student’s attention, inspiring them, and teaching not just the English language but culture, lifestyle and encouraging them to succeed in their lives. We appreciate that he is a mature individual with much experience from life.

We have had a couple conversations with him, and he has shared that he is having difficulties in his current role and perhaps struggling with the Malagasy language.

As you know, most of our students have a good start with English and many speak English very well. Rick’s Malagasy current skills would be sufficient and less necessary here.

We would like to officially request that he be reassigned to teach English here. We understand this is not common. We are of the opinion that the people of Madagascar might be better served if Rick can utilize his greater talents here. We like what we have seen and would love to use him more.

Very Sincerely,

The ECA Staff and Association Board

Friday, 11 August 2023 (179)

Painted a clear coat of polyurethan on the four doors and my window. This should help keep the basketball marks to a minimum. There's so much more I could and want to do here. Probably running out of time for any of it

Had my phone call with Mariah the new country director about 1pm. It was pretty much as expected - friendly, cordial, she showed interest in me and my situation but nothing could be done to change my role. If there was a security or safety concern, a site change would be possible but no change of Peace Corps roles is allowed. Seems this goes beyond her ability to control. Love it or leave it may be the only way to go. I was understanding but disappointed. Maybe also a little relieved knowing that I am being led to do what I've been preparing to do - leave Madagascar.

Options include Field terminate and live in the country on my own funds but I'd lose the free flight home and have no support or medical while here. I'd love to teach but realistically, not at that price. Going home to serve in a hundred different ways may be the best option at this time.

I let her know I needed a day or two to make any decision and just time to talk with Natalie and think over options could be helpful but I already know where I'm leaning and always have been if I can't improve the opportunity to serve.

Now seeing and thinking this is the last of all things in Madagascar. Time to appreciate what there is of it. Staying at Loavasoa in Antsirabe tonight so I can teach at ECA in the morning.

Saturday, 12 August 2023 (180)

1: 30 am there's a large exploding noise and the women's hot water pipe has burst in the bathroom across the hall. I'm on the second floor. It's starting to seep into my room. They don't have water turn off valves much here. At site, the water outside we use for washing and general water gathering has run for days before anyone from the town would fix it. I have bought two new faucets but it still took time for some local plumber to come around and then they were insufficiently prepared with no tools.

Just a few students for my conversation class. Eleonore is away and I broke the bad news to her husband. 

Sunday, 13 August 2023 (181)

Resignation Letter:

Dear Peace Corp Staff:

I am very appreciative of all you have done for me. I’m very grateful for the opportunity I have been given to serve the people of Madagascar these few months. Unfortunately, after speaking with my family and much reflection - I have decided to resign and return to the United States. I am sorry for any inconvenience this may bring to you and the organization. Reasons are complicated but I believe in doing what is best for myself, the Peace Corps, and the people of Madagascar. I feel this is the appropriate decision currently.

Please instruct me as to what must be done at this point. I will let my community know immediately and attempt to make this transition smooth, painless and with little fanfare, drama, and emotion. I understand that many items are the property of the Peace Corps (the Bike, repair kit, water filtration unit, footlocker, and gas tank) and will retain those items. I believe I may give other items of mine away. Please inform me if this is correct. I am in no specific hurry to leave but I understand policy requires a quick and efficient departure.

I am very proud to have served the short time that I have. Everyone in the organization has been helpful, kind, and supportive. They have truly done a magnificent job teaching me and giving me all the resources I need to survive and thrive here. I am sorry that I will no longer serve here. I love the people of Madagascar and have learned so many important lessons. I hope I have been an influence for good.

Thank you again. Please let me know what further steps I need to take.

Sincerely,

Rick Porter

This morning, David the carpenter came by. I showed him all the additional things I would be giving him and he was ecstatic. Then I handed him the 500,000 cash and he literally knelt on the ground and prayed to God to bless me. I told him he already has and that is why I have these things.

Spend the morning packing and giving away a few items. Just before noon, Salva and I started painting. We got most of the gray lower half of the hallways in the CSB and all of the front of the CSB. It was a good way to finish up here - doing something.

More packing and more giving away stuff.

The Country Director called me this afternoon and expressed interest in me coming to Tana Tomorrow. That might not be a problem but bringing everything with me including the Peace Corps items would. I have two 40-50 pound bags a backpack and a box of kitchen items for Rindra. On top of that they would like me to bring the Bike, helmet, life vest. Footlocker, medkit, water filtration unit, and gas tank. This could be a two other person job to get it all on the taxi-brusse and then make the transfer to Soatrans in Antsirabe.

I thought maybe I could take Salva and Manda but in talking with Sam and Rinda it was better to just leave the Peace Corps items. They would be more secure here and I could manage on my own or just with some help from Manda in Antsirabe.

More packing and more giving away of stuff.

Monday, 14 August 2023 (182)

Up early but still not enough time to do all that I need to.

Manda and Salva came earlier than I expected and everyone seems to be standing around while I finish packing. We head up the hill with Dobby and the last few items and tools I'm giving to David for his taking Dobby. Then we have to wait at the riverside as David comes and gets half a dozen others to right the swamped boat on the other side. Most people just walk across the knee length water. Not an option for me as we think this is how I got the blood infection a month ago.

Dobby is loving the fact that she's out in new territory and found at least one other friendly dog. They usually stand calmly while Dobby circles then and nips at their noses as a puppy does. We barely cross the river beaching the boat a couple times, hike the kilometer walk to David's house and see the doghouse I've commissioned for Dobby. It's an odd creation because it also has an attached pen to lock her in a small pen. I'm not sure why David thought this necessary. They tell me because people might want to steal her. If they do, doesn't that mean they just want her as a pet. Or can't they just reach over the short wooded fence and lift her out. I voice my concern that she need not be continuously penned up, only for a day or two until I am out of her immediate memory.

We depart after only a few minutes and I don't feel badly at all. I've been through the thoughts so much and know this is for all of our best interests.

It's another half an hour for me to finish packing and Doctor Clertant offers to drive me to Antsirabe. Manda and Salva come along. I'll need some help with the heavy bags and the box of kitchen supplies I have for Rindra. I offer to buy them lunch and return fare on the Taxi-brusse. I even give the doctor money for gas.

We get me a room at Loavsoa, run our errands which includes printing out the 13 page termination paperwork, and close my back account at MCB bank. AT lunch we run into Elder Nelson and five other missionaries, all dressed casually so it must be their P-day. His Malagasy is impressive and he's only been out a year. He converses with Manda and Salva and convinces them to come out to the Manadona church for some discussions. I tell Elder Nelson that these guys are the real deal and are golden if I know anything about their wonderful personalities. I add my testimony by telling them that whatever they may hear form Elder Nelson in the future - I believe also. And if they think I am a good guy, it is because of my religion. 

Eventually they leave as Samson turns up, coming from Tana. He'll share a room and dinner with me this evening. We head off to the ECA school and speak with Eleanor. We discuss the possibility of Samson teaching there as I might have and ask if the apartment could be had in exchange for his teaching. It was good to hear it's a possibility as Samson plans to attend IST and ET shortly thereafter.

We have dinner, I final edit and upload a couple more videos and can't sleep at all. It's partially due to the caffeine and partial due to the fact that I now have my airline schedule. It has me flying out at 12:55pm the day after tomorrow. Again - not enough time to do and say and finish my business here.

In the Presence of Heroes

A street in Antsirabe

Saturday, 5 August 2023 (173)

I decided this morning I'd be staying another night at Loavsoa here in Antsirabe. This morning was a repeat of last evening only I did a little preparation and had a plan and material to give. Had about 7 or 8 students. It could not have gone over better and I finished the 2 hours with a real reason to fight to be moved here.

I was honest with Eleonore that this has the potential of changing my desire to leave. I gained more out of these two session teaching than they could possibly have gained but I gather by the feedback that this is not the case. This feels and looks exactly like I imagined being in the Peace Corps should but it's not my full-time role yet.

Samson and I met up with Nada from Manadona and had lunch and hung out playing pool and catching up. Even she is struggling a little with language.

One of the students at ECA

Sunday, 6 August 2023 (174)

Had the opportunity to attend the Antsirabe branch sacrament meeting. They have a very nice church building here. Very big. I was late and walked into the back of the chapel and found a seat when within a minute two individuals came up to speak to me. We walked outside and talked, 1/4 Malagasy, 3/4 English. One of the gentlemen was the elder's quorum president and also a photographer. He asked if I could help teach English at an English club/class on Saturday's here. I explained that could be difficult with my other ECA teaching but possible if we worked out a good time.

I imagine what it could be like to live here, teach English at ECA and attend this branch. It seems so exciting and yet I knew it would require a miracle to happen. It would very much add to my interests to teach and make a greater impact here than in Sahanivotry.

On the Taxibruss back to site I came up with some ideas how we might make that miracle happen. If not, I’ll likely find myself leaving in September as currently planned. The idea is to write a good letter to the new country director. And appeal for the change not just based on my desire but also based on health, nutrition, water problems (that 12 day stretch with no water) and for religious reasons. I know if it was a security issue they would do it immediately but this is not just a move but a move to another sector. It is a very long shot.

Back from Antsirabe about 12:30. I found the door open and Salva nowhere to be found. He may have been just a couple doors away but I was here for 20 minutes or more before he even noticed I was back. That doesn't bode well for his keeping my place locked and secured. And Dobby had no water or food. And the food that was available looked depleted more than necessary which could mean he has been feeding her more than she needs and instead the chickens or other dogs come and eat it.

I did solve the headphone mystery. I mentioned how someone had taken my headphones and he said no, they are in my co-workers place. OK. But they didn't ask for permission. It looks like there are teeth marks on them so Dobby could have brought them outside but that still doesn't explain why the weren't brought back. It's complicated I'm sure.

Monday, 7 August 2023 (175)

Letter I sent to the new Country Director:

Dear Mariah:

First off, thank you for all you do for the staff, the volunteers, and the people of Madagascar. I am sure you will never receive the appropriate appreciation from any of us. And thank you for the many complicated issues you decide. Unfortunately, I may be bringing you one of those in this letter – with a possible fix.

I am currently your oldest PCV at 63, serving as a health Volunteer in Sahanivotry, about 1.5 hours south of Antsirabe. I wish I could report all is well here but there are a few complications I am having. 

First, I am struggling very much with the language – like all PCV’s but worse perhaps. I do have a tutor, but it is not improving. You likely already know I tested at Intermediate Low, and worked very hard at it, still do. Yes, I can survive, buy things, yes - I can hold basic conversations but no - I cannot fully function in health topics. I can read it; I can present badly but it is very difficult to connect or even understand others.

Other issues: Sahanivotry is a very tiny community, and officially my supervisor (Dr. Clertant) has asked that I be here only two mornings a week. One of those two mornings are so slow that even the interns find themselves playing games to pass the time. 

My diet is unusual, and I am having a difficult time finding potatoes, eggs or even bread here - even on market days. I’m not a vegetable eater and do not buy the local meat. I generally need to stock up in Antsirabe on weekends.

Water can be infrequent here. I reported a month back when we had no water for a 12-day stretch. Fortunately, I can purchase water and do store backup water. Also, as a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormon) I have been unable to attend many Sundays and know that has taken a toll on me mentally and spiritually. The closest church is very far away – there’s a branch in Antsirabe. And there has been some health-related issues that could be helped by a better diet. I was just recently in Tana for 10 days with a bacterial infection as you probably already know.

As an older volunteer I had hoped to serve in a greater capacity than I currently am. I do other things in and for my community, but I have been counseled not to paint so much, repair things at the CSB and so forth. It sets a bad precedence, but I find enormous value in feeling helpful through that.

I also produce many videos as I have a YouTube Channel you may have heard about (Madagascar Adventure https://www.youtube.com/@MadAdventure) where I am trying to tell many of the stories of the Peace Corps experience but specifically moving towards more about the people and their lives here in Madagascar. I brought four cameras, and this is what I did in many countries around the world as a profession. You may have seen the “Day in the Life” Video I just put online https://youtu.be/qUFwdAA54dc. Amanda, and the doctors have asked if I could assist in some videos on the reality of site living as well as wound care (to name two). I’m all for helping in those ways and have all the gear and computing power to do so. 

Here's the fix.

Of late, I have connected with the ECA school in Antsirabe where there has been English teaching PCV’s for the last 30 years when they helped establish that association. I have been working with Eleo Raharimiadane (Michell Bontrager’s supervisor) and all their staff and have taught on several occasions trying to assist them and pick up a bit of the gap since Michell left there a month ago. I cannot express how rewarding and helpful they and I feel about that opportunity. I did talk with Tovo over Health and asked for official permission, and he said if I didn’t need reimbursement, could do it on weekends, and didn’t tell my health supervisor it would be ok.

But the reality is, I love it. It is truly so much closer to the ideal of doing what I had hoped to do through Peace Corps service. These students are older teens and mostly adults at ECA with advanced English skills already. A minimum of Malagasy is required. 

Staff and policy may be that I haven’t been trained in Peace Corps English teaching methods. 

I am a professional teacher. 

I have a degree in Instructional science, just shy of a master’s in mass communications. I taught English writing classes, library research, and software / computers at Brigham Young University for several years. For years I produced videos for textbook publishers, taught safety, education and yes, medical health. Three months of Peace Corps teaching classes does not a teacher make - but a lifetime of teaching is a pretty good resume. My last job before retiring was as a job coach / trainer and those skills are also helpful here. In fact, Peace Corps originally had me pegged to teach literacy in Samoa. 

ECA is currently working on submitting a letter from their staff saying they have seen me teach and are impressed with my ability, as well as my motivating energy and enthusiasm for the subject. They like me and I love them and the students I have met. They also informed me that Zanoa from ECA had tentatively spoken with Eddie about switching me to English teaching, and they were not opposed to it but that it would also be dependent on the health people.

Let me say – I understand the Peace Corps experience for PCV’s isn’t always what we want it to be. We do small things, have small influences, do things that don’t seem important, don’t always change lives except over time and because of our attitudes, doggedness and just continually plugging away at what is a sometimes-difficult lifestyle. I get that and know I will and can make a difference wherever I serve. I serve at the Peace Corps pleasure.

But I am very frustrated mentally and physically, very unhappy, and very much feeling like ET-ing because at my age, I see many more rewarding opportunities to volunteer back in the states. But every time I walk away from teaching at ECA – I am truly happy. I feel I’ve touched lives. I feel it so much more is in doing what I am here to do, and what the Peace Corps would like me to do here, more than with my current role as a health volunteer. In health - I can’t communicate, I can’t connect, I can’t teach, and I don’t see a future there. And moving to Antsirabe in this role would likely solve or at least improve most of the other issues I am having at my site – health, dietary, mental, and spiritual, a real lack of purpose.

I would be happy to connect with my supervisor / doctor here and get his perspective and explain more fully to him if that would be helpful. We have had a few conversations (through my tutor) where these frustrations and limitations have been brought up. Also, with IST coming up – perhaps I could get a quick course in teaching English the Peace Corps way to help ease anyone who thinks I could use it. As well as take the opportunity to show my teaching abilities to the PC English teaching staff.

Realistically, I assume changing roles is near impossible except under extenuating circumstances. I am trying to convey those circumstances. Ultimately, I trust the Peace Corps and your decision in the end. I believe we all end up where we should be and doing what is in our best interest and in the best interest of those we serve. Again, thank you for hearing me out. I just want to love the people of Madagascar and serve them in ways that I feel I am best equipped to do. This service is an amazing adventure, and I wouldn’t have it any other way – unless it served the people, and the Peace Corps goals better. 

Thank You for your consideration,

Rick Porter

Tuesday, 8 August 2023 (176)

As I stood amidst the mothers and their babies this morning at the CSB, I realized how privileged I was - but not as you would think. Instead, I was surrounded by heroes. Mothers. They are the ones who should be given most of the credit -for raising their children, for teaching them to be good, to do good. All that is great and wonderful in this world is because mothers taught it to their children. In this land especially, where it is harder to live to adulthood - the baby survives, grows from infant, child, teen, and adult - because the mothers give them their all. They are the real heroes of this world.

And I get to weigh their babies.

And hand out vaccine books. I think it is an amusing highlight for them to hear me mangle their names. Everyone seems to get a laugh out of it. 

The first day ever I did not go to the market. I didn't need anything. 

Taught English to 8 or 9 this evening. Teaching is maybe not the appropriate word. We had some materials I had prepared and I have the word flash cards as a backup. That's pretty basic for people who know very little. They took notes and I'll really have to prepare if I keep doing this. There's quite a big difference between this kind of teaching and what is expected of me in Antsirabe.

I got an email from Mariah Cisse, our new country director. She acknowledged getting the letter and wanted to set up a time to talk on Friday morning. It sounds like more than a no which could have been conveyed by Amanda or someone else in the chain of command. Likely, she will grill me as to the extenuating circumstances. I'd hate to have to lie and say circumstances are worse than they really are but if there are no serious issues here I doubt there's any chance of a change.

I believe it is a win / win situation. I move and change roles; move to Antsirabe and stay longer - happily. OR I get a no and might as well go home before IST so I don't poison the well with any pessimistic ideas I have. Plus what good would it do me to go through more health training if I just leave a week or two later.

Personally, I don't think the move and change will happen. I think it is too much of a problem, a bad precedence and too difficult for the Peace Corps to approve unless it was for security, or life and death reasons. I expect they will say no after further questioning. And if I was them, what evidence is there that I would stay, or for how long with these changes. They might want some guarantees - I would. I can only think that I would give it more time and see what happens. But with a hard no - I will likely accept a departure before IST.

Return to Sahanivotry

Just another work day in Antsirabe

Sunday, 23 July 2023 (160)

It was quiet here as expected - just security and me. I went over the medical building where Doctor T did my vitals and took more pictures. All their findings are updated with Pretoria or go straight to Washington now. They have been told that I should stop taking the 4 tabs of Trimethoprim daily and instead double up on the anti-malarial drug I take daily.

I'm feeling fine except for the calves which are slightly swollen, red and that cause of all these issues.

Monday, 24 July 2023 (161)

Pioneer day though not going to be celebrating it here.

Another vitals check-up this morning where I was told that I probably won't be leaving here till Sunday. They want the bacteria and all its symptoms gone. So many PCVs return to their sites and systems return if the problem isn't completely taken care of here. I have mixed feelings. Mostly it's just about Dobby. I have no idea how they are treating her or how she is doing without me there. Hopefully, Salva is spending some time with her so she isn't feeling abandoned.

Grace from G57 stopped by and asked if I wanted to go into town with her. She is in Tana to get a new pair of glasses. We took the bus in and I promptly told her the wrong directions. I was a bit lost as there is construction on the street I was looking for.

We spent a little time and then she was off to meet a friend. I got some shopping done at the hardware and grocery store but am obviously at the end of things I am in need of.

Tuesday, 25 July 2023 (162)

I am hoping to get some editing done today. It would be a waste to have all this down time, peace and quiet, and great internet connections if I don't use it to catch up at least a little with the backlog of footage I have.

Will and Ally

Thursday, 27 July 2023 (164)

Another day at the hub. Another morning visit to the doctor here to check on my progress. I am healing well. The redness of the infection is going away. Technically it has only been fur days since the antibiotics have taken effect. They can't rush results and my body is not a fast worker. I've had no other symptoms than the infection in my legs. No fever, aches, chills - nothing. As usual, I discover what I was supposed to do with this ointment, this medication, only after I've started it, not before. "You've doing this twice a day" - Ok you didn't mention that before. "You're taking that at night," no, you didn't tell me that.

I wish I could say I've been very busy editing but I haven't. Yesterday I came back from my morning physical and slept till 2:30 in the afternoon. I was tired and chilled. Then went out like most days and hit the grocery store for something - anything. I've avoided treats, cookies, chips, sugar for the most part. I've been off the soda for several days now, drinking only juice - and water, if I must.

I have picked up some parts to build a camera slider. I've decided a couple things - until I change my mind again. One is that I probably will end up leaving Dobby here in Madagascar. Not that I want to, but I worry that if I ET (early terminate), some complication will arise that will see me on a plane and not her. I doubt the Peace Corps would care or even make the necessary arrangements to reserve me a flight with the dog. The last thing I want is to turn up at the airport, Dobby in hand and for them to say, "Sorry, no arrangements have been made". Leaving her here is one thing. Leaving her stranded at the airport is another. I need to plan for her to have a good home or at least a home. I will try and get her the necessary fix to keep her from getting pregnant though. Others have been saying this is a gift. I wonder how keeping her from her having her other pups is anything but interfering in the natural way of things.

The second thing is to stay until after IST at the end of next month. That's the two weeks of follow-up training after we've been installed for three months. We're to have some additional health training. And we're going to bring one of our counterparts with us for one of those weeks.

I don't know when I would leave after that but more likely will. That would have put me here more than six months and we'll see if I feel my projects are done by then. Now if the Peace Corps can use my skills and let me help them with training videos, that would be another thing. Doctor A was just telling me this morning that he would love to do a video on wound care for the volunteers. He had started one a while back with a third year volunteer but has no idea where that footage went. I told him to talk with the powers that be.

So that gives me a month to do things on my agenda. Maybe teach a little in Antsirabe, finish the interviews I started. Maybe do more interviews. Worry less about the Health aspect and focus in on my secondary projects (painting, videos, making friends, telling their stories).

I seriously do not see the desire to do the two years. I also worry another illness could decide that for me. I need to find a home for Dobby and try and tie up loose ends and get footage for new stories.

Two volunteers from G58 turned up this morning (Will and Ally) They had to report to the office and were told they can voluntarily ET or be dismissed. They were in a tourist town far south of here and just happened to run into Doctor T who was there connecting with an NGO he has worked for. The odds of him running into these two were very extreme yet he did. Unfortunately, he found them with a motorcycle Will had purchased. They now have a day or so to wrap up their service here and be transported home.

We went out to lunch at an expensive Italian restaurant (my cut was 50,000ar). They were fine with the Peace Corps decision and they plan on returning in a month to finish up a secondary project of theirs. They only have issues with the Peace Corps organization and its rules. They love Madagascar and the friends they have made. I can't say I agree but understand. But Will really could not have expected this wouldn't eventually be found out. 

Kristy and Ben

Friday, 28 July 2023 (165)

Met up with Kristy and Ben who were in Tana for their COS (Close of Service conference/Interview) They still have another month or more. I admire them for their dedication and how they decided to return to Madagascar even after they had been sent home when Covid hit. They are the only two of their cohort who returned to finish. Very Impressive.

I was told this afternoon that if everything looks the same on Sunday I should be able to return to Sahanivotry Monday/Tuesday.

Saturday, 29 July 2023 (166)

Just got back after an afternoon with a friend of mine who is in from out of town. We dined at KFC. Good to get out but need to edit.

Sunday, 30 July 2023 (167)

Last day in Tana. Amanda had asked to meet with me for tea at two. She had another guest, Elsie a PCRV who returned to work a Vanilla business on the East coast near Tamatave after her service.

I was hoping the reason for the visit was to discuss doing some videos for the Peace Corps. Now that Tojo has quit being an LCF he has asked for more money to produce videos as a freelancer and I think they are not waiting to pay those amounts. Instead they may be looking at me as an option. The question remains, how long it takes them to get this started. Some have said that this kind of additional service is reserved for third year volunteers but that will likely never happen with me. But yes, they are thinking of some site overviews to give prospective volunteers the reality of what they can expect their living conditions to be like. I also brought up the wound care video Doctor A would like to see done.

Other than that, I knew I should be careful before sharing additional information and sure enough when I did, it got turned around on me. I tried to express my "guilt" feelings as a pampered American here. We live above everyone else in terms of our lifestyles, our coming and goings, our better furnishings, clothing, food choices, everything. Perhaps, I could better have phrased it by saying I have much empathy and compassion for the people and their circumstances here. 

When I gave examples of what I did to compensate for my lack of health related service - I was told that maybe I should feel "guilty" doing those things and instead focus solely on health instruction. Easier said than done. With my poor language skills I am fortunate to have a basic conversation but yes, I could do more language study and work on it until I no longer have to read the flip charts. There's something about being in the middle of all this "guilt", this lack of communications skills, and facing the reality of what good or uselessness we think our roles are here. I did not appreciate the sentiment that I'm compensation in all the wrong ways and that I should feel "guilty" doing those things. I am sorry that I try doing different things, that I'm helping in ways I am both comfortable, familiar with and able to. This is what I can do regardless of my communication skills, regardless of my limited health limitations. The Peace Corps says all the time to provide the people with what they need and want yet we are forcing us to only addressing the health aspect, which we are sorely able to provide and in so little capacity (me at least) and saying no to any other needs.

Samson and I met up. Will came back in from his site. He and Ally would be flying out in a couple days back home. They had already made arrangements to return in a month and get back to finishing a project they had started here.

Dobby

Monday, 31 July 2023 (168)

Samson had made a reservation on Soatrans for 7am but decided to take a different transportation bus back to his place. I tried to arrange for a taxi to pick me up early but it kept ending the call when my credits weren't liked. Thus I never was able to arrange a ride and figured I'd just find a taxi early. I was up at 5am and out the door before six. I ended up walking a mile before a taxi did stop for me.

Fortunately I did get to Soatrans but could not communicate the reservation very well. It was difficult raising Rindra on the phone but she communicated the reservation and I was soon on my way. Otherwise I probably would have been at the Soatrans station for hours it being a very busy Monday morning with no reservation made.

It took an hour alone just to get out of Tana and arrived in Antsirabe well after noon. I bought some dogfood and just a few items for meals in Sahanivotry. Salva had been texting me several times and I think he was growing impatient. Dobby was happy to see me but no more than usual.

The Doctor, Salva and I talked for a bit. I gave the doctor the letter from Peace Corps explaining officially that I had been away due to illness. The doctor said he was happy to have me back. He showed me the now somewhat finished patient room that Salva had indeed pulled the tape from. They had made a compromise on the curtains and the one window still needs to be painted but it looks a lot better than the at the start.

I paid Salva another 40,000ar (80,000 total). He asked me for more, specifically 20,000ar and I reminded him before I left that I would pay him 5,000 a day to let her in at night and out during the day, and feed her (which he didn't run out of dog food after all), yes he did do some cleanup of the place as Dobby does make a mess in the room at night. But I did feel Salva was pushing it. 100,000 would have been closer to 10,000 a day and so I held firm as I was still paying him more than I agreed to. In three weeks I'll have to make another arrangement when I leave for IST for two weeks.

Generally, the place was in good condition. Maybe Salva didn't notice the cache of shoes, paint brushes and other items Dobby had stored around her bed under the computer desk. They had also moved all the items off the lower two shelves as Dobby has now moved into her destructive chewing phase as a puppy. Before her teeth didn't bite into items but now she's tearing them into pieces.  She had also broken her flea collar making it impossible to tie her up with. Instead, they had fashioned a very tight surgical tube as a collar. I replaced with a new collar I had bought in Tana anticipating this was soon to happen.

It was good to be back. I cleaned up where needed and gave Dobby a flea shampoo shower.

Tuesday, 1 August 2023 (169)

I was surprised that Dr. Clertant wanted me to interview him this morning. By lunchtime I had edited his as far as I could without translation and also completed the ECA school interview with Eleanor though I would like to get some B-roll for it.

Wednesday, 2 August 2023 (170)

A busy day. Manda and Salva both turned up earlier than I had expected. I explained to Manda my need to find a new home for Dobby and that I might not be here the full two years. We went over the need to translate some of the interviews and I lent him the smaller laptop to view and translate the videos I had ready.

It was interesting to see one of the interns with a pair of headphone that looked suspiciously like mine. Sure enough I could not find mine anywhere and I can only believe that he somehow got them out of my place while I was gone. Why he would so brazenly be using them in front of me I am not sure.

Eleonore and her husband (also the president of ECA) drove their motorcycle down from Antsirabe to meet with me. They are excited for me to come and teach there. My plan was to run up to David, the carpenter's place and paint but he stopped by and said it was too cold and windy (I think). That or something about the river being too cold and deep. So we put it off until I don't know when. I did propose the prospect of his family taking in Dobby, or at least trying to find her another family. I offered my solar panels (which I probably was going to give him anyway and possibly another 500,000 to buy a battery. I also explained how I'd like to build dobby a doghouse and gave him a 60,000 advance to get some wood.

He said he had to ask his family as they already had a female dog. Later this afternoon he stopped by again while we were playing a game of risk with the interns. They hated it and thought it too long. We ended it after maybe half an hour deciding blue should win. They had absolutely no idea of strategy and would weaken their positions on every turn depleting every country down to one army. Fortunately I wasn't playing just being the rule giver and referee. Otherwise I could have easily won.

Anyway, David came back to say his family was for taking in the dog. My plan is to deliver her over just before going to IST on the 19th of this month. We'll try and get the house built by then as well as many of the video interviews we've been collecting.

Thursday, 3 August 2023 (171)

I gave the Doctor's wife most of my coloring books and crayons today. She is on the board for the local school and I think she understood me when I asked if she could give them to the kids. I also noticed some of the kids were digging through the trash when they found some of the beads that Dobby had gotten into when I was in Tana. I went and got the rest of the couple hundred beads, letters and charms I brought and let them have at it. I'm never going to find more times and opportunities to give this stuff away.

Interns leaving us today

Friday, 4 August 2023 (172)

Doctor and I both took a Taxi-brusse this morning but he didn't go all the way to Antsirabe. I bought a new faucet as ours is leaking very badly. Resources may be scarce here but that doesn't keep them from being wasted. Bought some polyurethan as well for the doors to protect them from scuffing and basketball marks. Buying more dogfood to stock up though that won't last more than a month or two.

I think I've decided to tell Dr. Clertant when I come back from IST that I'll be leaving within a week or two. Give them some heads up and start doling out my possessions as meager as they are. I'm thinking the doctor gets my new, unused fan, first dibs at my cookware, while the girls get the gas stovetop. Manda will probably get the Chromebook and the large monitor will also likely go to the Doctor. It might be nice for them to have my big space back again.

Bacterial Infection

 

Manda, Salva and I

Friday, 14 July 2023 (151)

Salva and I picked up the Taxi-brusse in Sahanivotry and headed north to Manadona to pick up Manda. Today the three of us are headed to Antsirabe for an adventure. We are filming for the video idea I have for the "Day in the Life" video. I've got my list of shots, except I don't have it synced on my phone nor am I referencing it, but at least I thought it through and think I remember what it is I need to shoot. Salva is fairly typical for an 18 year old. He's on his phone a lot, doing many selfies and he's also shooting with the GoPro some - both good and bad.

We pulled out the audio recorder and staged some good 10 minute interviews with a metal worker, a PusPus driver (two actually), a seamstress (or one of the ladies who sewed my curtains for my place and the CSB), a blacksmith, charcoal seller and one of the teachers at the English Center of Antsirabe (ECA). Eleo Raharimiadana is her name and was the supervisor of Michelle before she ET'ed last week.

I mentioned to them that I might be interested in teaching some English in Antsirabe to help cover for the missing Michelle and then promptly realized I would likely be over extending myself. But after talking with Eleo (short for Eleonore), the president of their association and seeing the school - I suddenly saw a way to make a greater impact than I feel I am doing with health in Sahanivotry. 

Now the possibility of getting moved over here and doing English instead of health is probably close to zero. I don't have that kind of pull and Eleo likely doesn't either. But perhaps we could get me involved in a class a week - as I will or plan to be here every week anyway. Not sure how or why I turned on the enthusiasm and charm but you would think I was interviewing for a job. I'm confident I have it as they would love almost any American and I am more than your average American.

I was asked to come back later and meet their head honcho and I did. 

Eventually we got Salva on a Taxi-brusse back to Sahanivotry with four 8k buckets of paint. Manda and I are staying at the Lovasoa hotel - he in a dorm room and me in a single. I figured I'd rather pay for us to have our own privacy than share a room. For dinner I took him to the fancy restaurant Chez Jenny, next to Green Park Hotel. I don't think he is used to being so lucky and going to fancy restaurants. Yes, it's expensive for Malagasy but was only about $10 US for a nice meal for the two of us. 

I'm running through lots of money every weekend I come up here - most of it in paint.

We got a lot of good shots including some street people, the PusPus guys sleeping in their vehicles and misc. shots throughout the day. I didn't get everything on my list but close.

Saturday, 15 July 2023 (152)

It's has been a tiring weekend and it's only half over.

We were out and filming about 6:30am. More interviews, more early morning shots, lots of kids, faces and market images. The people here are unlike anywhere else I've filmed. I can literally turn the camera on them and very few turn away or say no. Perhaps the hardest part is getting them not to stare at the camera. But if you just frame the shot, turn away from the camera or take a step or two away from it - maybe talk with another person, eventually the subject with go back to ignoring the camera and act natural in their environment. 

I did pay some of our interviewees for their assistance. Most got 2000-3000ar (40-60 cents).  Our second PusPus driver got a lot more, not necessarily because he gave us a better interview but because I felt inspired to. When we connected with him - I mentioned to Manda that we shouldn't just interview the first or any PusPus driver we encountered. But how to determine who that should be. Soon thereafter, I saw this guy. He looked very stern, outright mean - but he had character, a big guy. Once we started filming him we saw how soft spoken and kind he came across. He has been doing this job for 40 years and is just a year or two younger than me. He has ten children.

I worry though that these interviews won't be deep enough or get to the real point of them, to tell people's stories. Yes, I understand we'll never really get there with these short 10 minute interviews. I need to spend some real time with people and get material over the course of a season or over a planting season. Film their working, the processes they take with their products and services. But right now, this is what we are doing and how we're doing it. Manda is trying to interpret my questions for him to ask and he's playing director for me. There's no way I could do this without him and it will also require his help when we get to editing.

And then there's the crowds we've getting whenever we do one of these. People and children gather all around us (which can't make it very easy for our subjects to be completely relaxed and candid). We pulled our second PusPus driver off the main street and we still got a few people stopping to watch.

We also ran into Royal (one of the LCF's from PCTC) and we had breakfast with him. A few other PCV's were in town as well I think for one of the girl's birthday. And we ran into Thomas from G57. Tojo was also in town and although we tried to connect, we were not able to.

Home about 1 or 2 pm. I was able to have Salva put Dobby inside when he came home yesterday with some of the paint I bought. I also paid him to let here out again this morning. That seemed to help out with Dobby's messes inside but will never be the best solution if I intend on leaving here for 24 hours at a time.  And she's still not housebroken though I am getting here outside more mornings first thing and in the middle of the night once or twice.

Tired of the two days. Don't want to play any games with the interns or staff here. If every day is an adventure - today I am tired of adventuring.

Salva and I

Sunday, 16 July 2023 (153)

I applied for a position as a Peer Support Network person for our group. The process requires you to send in a 500 word essay and here is what I sent. If it sounds a little formal or clinical it's because I had a little help.

Title: Serving as a Peer Support Network Person: My Motivation, Strengths, and Qualifications

Introduction:

As a 63-year-old individual with a family that has relied on my support, and with shared experiences living in Madagascar, my decision to serve as a peer support network person is shaped by my unique blend of motivations, strengths, qualifications, and cultural understanding. Let me delve into my motivations, highlight my strengths, discuss my qualifications, and emphasize the value of my shared experiences in Madagascar in providing empathetic support as a peer support network person.

Motivation:

My motivation to serve as a peer support network person is influenced by the diverse experiences I have had while living in Madagascar. This rich cultural backdrop has taught me the importance of community, resilience, and mutual support. Witnessing firsthand the challenges faced by individuals in Madagascar has sparked a deep-rooted desire within me to make a positive difference in the lives of others. Also to help others deal with and cope with the unique challenges we have as Peace Corps volunteers.  I am motivated to provide support, guidance, and encouragement to individuals who are navigating their own unique struggles. I have struggled myself and believe it would be helpful to share what worked for me or at least share possibilities to improve.

Strengths:

Living in Madagascar has endowed me with a deep appreciation for cultural diversity and the ability to connect with people from various backgrounds. This experience has heightened my cultural sensitivity, enabling me to create an inclusive and non-judgmental environment where individuals feel comfortable expressing themselves. By valuing diversity and fostering open dialogue, I can build meaningful connections and establish trust with those seeking support.

Furthermore, my shared experiences in Madagascar have instilled in me a sense of adaptability and resourcefulness. Living in a country with its unique challenges has taught me to think creatively and find solutions amidst adversity. These qualities enable me to approach problems with a fresh perspective, guiding individuals towards innovative solutions and encouraging them to tap into their own resilience.

Qualifications:

While my qualifications do not stem from formal education in mental health, my shared experiences in Madagascar have equipped me with a wealth of practical knowledge and insights. Living in a resource-limited setting has taught me the importance of making the most of limited resources and finding creative ways to address challenges. This ingenuity allows me to provide practical guidance and support to individuals who may be facing constraints or obstacles in their lives.

Additionally, I have raised children that are of similar ages and there might be some lessons I have learned from those years of practical experience. I may not have all the knowledge or tools about current practices but I have lived a very long and varied life that taught me a few things a younger person might not yet have experienced.

Shared Experiences in Madagascar:

My shared experiences in Madagascar offer a unique perspective on the challenges individuals may face, both culturally and socially. I have had to deal with my own resilience, strength, and sense of community in the face of adversity. This knowledge allows me to approach individuals' struggles with empathy, understanding, and respect, ensuring that my support is culturally sensitive and tailored to their specific needs.

Conclusion:

Though I am not sure some of the younger Peace Corps volunteers are interested in having a "father" figure assist them - I'd still like to make myself available and try and continue to be a role model for them.

As a peer support network person, my motivations, strengths, qualifications, and shared experiences in Madagascar may assist me to make a meaningful impact on the lives of others. Through my cultural understanding, adaptability, resourcefulness, and commitment to helping, I am equipped to provide empathetic support and guidance to individuals facing challenges. My experiences in Madagascar have broadened my perspective and deepened my appreciation for the difficulties the job, language and lifestyle brings with it. I am dedicated to fostering an environment of understanding and empowerment, where individuals can navigate their struggles with resilience and hope.

Went out on the bike south and shot lots of video for my current project - Day in the Life.

Monday, 17 July 2023 (154)

I had expected kids to turn up for the English class but no one did. Turns out they came at 2pm. I must not have communicated very well. But it did give me the opportunity to take Dobby up the hill and we started painting David, the Carpenter's house (or at least the doors and windows). Bright blue is what they asked for. Got two doors, a window and the bottom part of the upstairs balcony done. I need at least another day maybe two. I may not feel good about my Health volunteer role but I think I can serve in other ways which require no Malagasy communications and no special skills.

My hope is to fill everyday with something useful to others -- health wise or otherwise.

I was up late working on the "Day in the Life" video. Peace Corp has this competition and want videos from us about our day(s). I've turned it around a little and though the voiceover sounds like I'm talking about my day, I'm showing the people of Madagascar going through the motions or in some cases, opposite  of what is being said.  

Here's the script:

Day in the Life

Nothing here is quite like it is back home.
I begin my day much as everyone.
I often sleep in late enjoying the comfort of a warm bed.
I am fortunate to have my own room.
It’s nice having some privacy.
I'll wear some clean clothes or if I need to, wash them and put the clothes out to dry.
I’ll prepare some hot food for breakfast.
I’m not a vegetarian but am thinking about becoming one.
I've heard the weather here is warm in the summer and not very cold in the winter.
Fortunately, the cold doesn’t affect me much.
Then it’s off to work.
Everyone here has a job or two.
Some work with their hands, or work with machines.
Perhaps, I’ll take the bike to work.
Once in a while I have to take the boat across the river, and I’ll bring my bike with me.
Maybe I’ll get a ride in one of the taxi-brusses.
Or one of the human powered modes of transportation.
Maybe I’ll just walk and bring everything I need with me.

What will I be doing today.
Some of us work in Agriculture and assist those in the fields.
Others are teaching in schools, usually it’s literacy or English
I work in one of the small clinics.
People from the town come in from miles around for various concerns.
Tuesday is also market day. There’s always something I’m needing to buy.
While the adults are shopping, children are often playing.
They may not have the best toys but that does not keep them from having fun.
Even adults love to play games. I avoid doing so.
It’s not that I am unlucky, but I’d rather not take something away from them.

Nothing here is quite like it is back home.
People are happy. People live their lives as we all do – one day at a time.
And at the end of the day,
I recount what I’ve seen, what I’ve experienced, and I wonder if I’ve made a difference at all.
Before retiring I say a little prayer. May God bless the people of Madagascar.

I think it turned out well and gets me very emotional.

Here's the link:

https://youtu.be/qUFwdAA54dc

Tuesday, 18 July 2023 (155)

Had a 20 minute talk with Tovo this morning on the phone. I thought he might be calling about the request for me to teach English but I had to bring it up instead. He said that would be fine on weekends, if I don't ask for reimbursement and if I don't tell my supervisor. He's worried it will show me spreading my time around and I could be teaching more English here which I am. He also said to try not to do so much painting.

Between the Health stuff, the painting, the English classes and the videos I think I should feel better about my helping here. Every once in a while I worry that my efforts are fleeting - the newly painted doors and windows and doors get scuffed and will eventually wear away. And the short conversations and the small talk just doesn't seem to make any long term difference. I will say Salama a million times today, smile and try to be kind. It's not enough or doesn't seem to be.

At the CSB weighing babies again. Not much more. In the afternoon, I finish painting the delivery waiting and patient room. Salva came by and helped. I should pay him something for his help. His aunt's place is on the short list to paint here shutters and doors. Of course I made my rounds of the market. The plan is to visit every week with the same people. One vendor knows I will buy 30 small bars of chocolate (to give away), another knows my favorite soda. I've been paying for a dozen eggs at one restaurant but I think today she just bought them from the store across the street while I waited. I think I'll stop it as it doesn't seem to be helping when she never can deliver them reliably and I'm not sure the extra money I am paying is worth her headache. Two other market day vendors regularly sell me their street food items. 

And I've got a fever this evening. A couple bed bugs have started to get out of control and has pus and started a small lump. Let's see where this all leads to.

Trying to upload the video from here and am at 54% but it says it will take another 3 hours. The ECA school is happy to have me help with English and is expecting me Saturday morning.

Wednesday, 19 July 2023 (156)

Woke up sick. Had the chills, a fever and bad Spo2 levels. I was asked by Peace Corps to go to Antsirabe to be seen by the doctor there.

That put a damper in my plans as I had planned on being there Friday night to be able to teach at the ECA school Saturday morning. Then I was told I needed to come back in the morning for blood tests. It was another bad night with chills and other issues.

Covid and Malaria Rapid tests are negative

Thursday, 20 July 2023 (157)

Instead of doing the tests in Antsirabe, they already had a Peace Corps car nearby who were doing site development work. They would drive me to Tana after first going back to Sahanivotry so I could pick up clothes. I had only bought what I was wearing.

The drive back to my site and into Tana is anything but an enjoyable experience when you are feeling fine. It's miserable when you are sick. Fortunately, I hadn't eaten anything all day so that wouldn't be coming back up.

I think Salva will do a good job of watching Dobby for now. I told him I would pay him to do so and gave him 40,000 for his trouble. Dr. Clertant was there when we drove back to Sahanivotry and I think it was conveyed that I needed some medical attention in Tana.

It took five needle sticks to eventually get some blood out of me. Then we had a chest x-ray. Results came back early evening that I had an elevated white blood cell count and we think it's a bacterial infection. It was serious enough that they brought me the right antibiotic medication at 9pm.

Friday, 21 July 2023 (158)

Ended up going to bed last night with no observable problem in my calves and woke up with more redness and tightness. More blood drawn - this time only two needle pokes. Feeling better above the waist but looking worse below. They took pictures and send the information to Pretoria, South Africa and Washington DC for medical doctors there to consult and recommend any further treatment.

The doctors have very specific instructions for me which I have a hard time liking. No sugar being one of them. Leaves me just water. In fact I'm about to use up all my food here. I bought enough for the weekend, barely. And the food I have been making is fairly bland. Maybe it's my condition, maybe it just the food I'm buying. It doesn't help that the kitchen here at the hub has no condiments or spices including salt or pepper. The Peace Corps really knows how to treat you well but with just a few gaps in the process. Perhaps no one has mentioned it before.

Saturday, 22 July 2023 (159)

Sleep was better than the night before. You just get used to woolly blankets, a foam pillow and mattresses and room  temperatures not necessarily regulated. The hub here has so many open windows and circulation leaks that temperatures are 10-15 degrees warmer than outside - which isn't bad. Temperatures are 53 to 70 today.

There's no indoor heating just electric ones. 

But now at least, I am feeling that my need to come to Tana has been justified. If I had to come here, I had better have something more than a cold or a few easily overcome symptoms.

At the same time I feel like I am a problem child on most levels. Age, language, rebellion (meaning I don't always do what the doctors tell me to, nor tell them all the issues). I generally have not always followed their recommendation (the water thing, my nutrition - and they don't even know about unauthorized visits.)

I may be at a crossroads. 

To serve here has a very high price. 

One must learn a new and difficult language, only then to barely be able to speak in incomplete phases, work with language apps, all just to express basics. I feel my supervisor, Doctor Clertant must think me a complete language idiot.  We communicate in a Malagasy, French and English dance where only a thought or two can be explained but nothing deeper than the surface. Motivations and details of what is bouncing around in our minds are sparse and almost unknown. I'm sure we've misinterpreted so much between us. We've had some good discussion when Rindra (my language teacher) was here and the Doctor and I were better able to express the thoughts we both had. We each thought the other was unhappy with the relationship and that wasn't the case. Now we are back to guessing what is wanted and how things are really going.

As volunteers, we know enough language to survive but it would take an hour or two a day of study to get much better. And yes, I have a tutor (Manda) for 10 hours a month but I use him more as an interpreter and cultural coach. He helps me get interviews, asks the questions I give him and translates them afterwards. Returned Peace Corps Volunteers (RPCV) who spoke to us during training told us that they still didn't know the language very well and they have been living here for five years. The new words I learn are related to the work I perform and use all the time. I know a few more painting terms, maybe. I've got the word for cold down but can't seem to ever remember the word for hot.

Food is an issue. I already didn't eat healthy in the states but now my choices are severely limited. Eggs, potatoes, good pasta and meat are hard to get in my town. In this area of the country - in the interior, there is no fish available except the dried kind and Peace Corps says we have no idea how long it's been dried or if it's even safe. I wouldn't even know how to cook it and I've tried asking. The fish that can be bought in Antsirabe are usually small and I struggle with seeing the effort to value of cooking them with all the time to scale and debone them. People here can spend an hour or two cooking here on their charcoal burners. Fortunately I have a gas burner stovetop. People here don't catch and release - every fish, whatever the size is food.

The Peace Corps recommends we don't eat the meat from the local butchers. I agree. Twice I bought locally and both times I could not tell if the problem my cooking or the meat. Weekends, I buy a kilo of ground up meat in Antsirabe but I had better eat it in two days. By the third, smell and color tells me it is turning bad without refrigeration. 

I have my staple of six go-to meals. Pasta, pasta with meat, pomme frites, eggs, canned tuna or sardines (bought in Antsirabe) in a mayo/ketchup sauce heated up and eaten with crackers, and fried bread/scones (I drift to the no eggs, no yeast variety which are more crunchy, less bready.) There's no good bread here in Sahanivotry because there's no ovens. The three or four bread sellers during market are drying it out so much it's like a long baguette crouton. I'd love to make and have sandwiches, which I would have every day but alas - no bread, no meat, no cheese. But they do have tomatoes (sometimes) I should probably eat more of them.

I eat one meal a day - maybe I'll fry up some eggs for breakfast when I have them. I may supplement it all with cheap cookie treats unless I don't buy any in Antsirabe which is probably for the best. And I'm never taking enough liquids. It's embarrassing to admit my lack of variety and nutrition so I usually don't. Even admitting it here is embarrassing. Most people don't understand this. They come from a tradition of vegetable eating and I lost that before childhood ended. Most embarrassing is that I live in a country that eats rice with all their meals. I have some, sitting in a container marked "rice". I haven't had any since installation here two and a half months ago. Maybe I'll try it again. Just got to worry about the rocks in it as growers may have dried it out on the road, and not on a tarp. I've already been a victim of the "rock in the rice" when I was served it at a meal at my host family. Maybe that's partially why I am rice skittish.

I do know better. We've had classes and training on nutrition. I'm even provided with flip charts to give presentations on nutrition. That doesn't change my mindset. I don't eat what I don't like and that’s usually most foods. There are plenty of vegetables and I know everyone likes them. Or so they say. I don't. I bought some pickles when I first got here but they were not sweet pickles - more cucumber than pickle. I do eat bananas (when available) and if I can find a pineapple that doesn't look so bad. I don't think they are in season so most of them are not the good summer ones or I'd eat a pineapple a day (no apples here).

Had some peanuts the other day (they don't salt them here). They didn't digest well. It's as if I was raised on another planet when it comes to what I eat. Eating brings no real joy or satisfaction - certainly not here - it's mostly for the calories and because I occasionally do get hungry - but not much. Food can bring a level of comfort or happiness or even escape from whatever. But not for me, not here. But hey - I take a daily vitamin.

Health is an issue. I'm generally fine but these last few health issues have worn on me. In the last few days I've had no appetite for food or Madagascar.

Mental and spiritual issues. Church does not give me a lot of value or strength. I say that knowing I am wrong but I have not felt it and don't expect I need to see it's long term effects and how it fills those needs. I'm an oddity even at church and sitting in on a Sunday School or priesthood lesson just doesn't serve much purpose except to fulfill a duty or obligation. I might as well be studying language. Mostly I just study the congregation. Church doesn't have to give me something. In fact, the lack of the opposite is the issue. I only go to church to give. It is all about giving and serving but here there is so little I am able to communicate or understand. I can't contribute except is silent ways, example maybe? I can't listen (well maybe that's all I can do - without understanding). There's no calling or role for me here. I'm not even sure my records have been transferred here. I'm an hour away by bike.

My prayers and mind are fine. I do not question God, or think badly of the way things go when they do. He's allowed me to experience something I asked for. I'm learning lessons. Lessons that can only be experienced by going through. I am not sure I was or am prepared for the empathy and concern in seeing what I am seeing. My heart is breaking and here I'm writing about my problems. They are nothing in comparison.

I have a very hard time seeing the success - and I certainly know how little we can measure it. The little I actually can contribute appears to have so little long term effects. I know it's there but it is so difficult to find or believe in. Weighing babies, painting doors and windows, playing American games, handing out chocolate and balloons, and taking their picture. The people here need so much more than my full 24/7 efforts and I am far from doing that. No matter what is going on in my life, I still have a life of privilege as the people here are doing so much worse and dealing with it better. They have less to compare, they know less of what is available, what could be.

I feel so badly that I cannot do enough, communicate enough, nor serve enough to justify my being here. At least in the states I can communicate. Here I am a mute servant with no way of truly knowing, understanding, sharing, and taking action in a meaningful way. I'm always working on it though. I'm sure it must all sound negative. It's not meant to be.

I know am doing what I can, however I can, where and when I can, and with whatever means I have available. But this place is so poor, these people are just surviving day to day. It is so overwhelming that anything and everything I do can never, will never be enough. I know my staying or leaving is not entirely in my hands. I see the crossroad. It appears I don't get to have full say in which direction the travel takes me in.

Keeping Busy

PCV's Michelle and Kristy

Friday, 30 June 2023 (137)

Waiting at the taxi-brusse in Sahanivotry for it to leave - I’m the first and offered the front seat which is a highly prized location usually less packed than the rest of the vehicle. I think the driver is the doctor’s brother but I'm not going to ask him. Other brusses pass us also headed north to Antsirabe but it is impolite to hitch a ride on these, otherwise passengers would never fill up here in town. It's about thirty minutes before we leave but I'm in no hurry. The driver says for another two thousand ariary (less than 50 cents) I can have the front to myself and my backpack. I pay the man.

Yes, I'm in the death seat should we experience a head on crash and there are no seatbelts. Some vehicles are so used up and not cared for that there's no door handles or even windows. I hadn't noticed until I was asked to step out so they could lift the front seat and add water to the radiator but there is a glass window up against my back.

Safety is always a concern but because the road is so bad with potholes that most vehicles are traveling at slower speeds - usually 20-30 mph. This driver was especially slow. At times I wondered if we weren't any faster than a bike. Maybe it was because we needed the air that was put in the van as we approached Antsirabe.

Often the vans stop for gas but rather than filling up, they will get just a couple liters or maybe a couple gallons. It may have something to do with the fear of running out of gas which I have experienced on a trip. Or maybe they have to justify a profit on every trip. Even in leaving Sahanivotry with me and a handful of others, we were beyond safe capacity upon arrival. And we had ten or so charcoal bags and a bike or two overhead as well.

Met with Michell from G58 group. She and I are both older (she in her 50s) and we both had Rindra for our language coaches. And of course, we both struggle with just the basics of the language.

She explained how she's not liking her role as an English teacher. She says is very rigid and she doesn't like teaching just grammar. She also doesn't like living in a large city like Antsirabe but would prefer wide open spaces. When she asked about being moved to another location, the Peace Corps said that is not possible and instead suggested she consider going home. She needs only to send an email with that request and she'll be on her way in 72 hours.

I'd like to video interview her before she leaves, possibly next week.

Another person I'd like to interview is Kristy who is a deaf volunteer who was sent home when Covid hit and returned to finish her two years. She's been teach deaf Madagascar students English this whole time.

It was nice to have a night in Antsirabe as we've been without water for six days now other than an hour or two. A hot shower. A meal I did not cook. A bed without bedbugs, I hope. The hardest part is leaving Dobby in the house for 24 hours or more. She has plenty of food and two water dishes.

I had taken my very large yellow bag that I brought with me to Madagascar to carry 50 pounds of gear. This weekend I hoped to bring back a lot more paint than usual 4-8k plastic containers rather than the two I've been getting as well as more canned goods and supplies.

I got to Antsirabe early enough that I was able to have lunch with Michelle and Kristy who is a deaf volunteer finishing up her two years in the next two months. She too was sent home when Covid hit and she came back sometime between or around the time the G57 group was in training.

I was amazed that you could serve the Peace Corps being deaf, but she is teaching English to other deaf students. I would like to interview on video both of these women for the channel and hope to do so in the next couple weeks. Kristy goes home in a couple months while Michelle is thinking of leaving next week.

They both are on the older side, both probably in their 50s. I think the three of us constitutes the three oldest volunteers currently in Madagascar. I am likely the eldest. It's always nice to compare stories and experiences. Sometimes it helps to understand how we all are having similar difficulties - with language, food, the job or socially - and sometimes we hear how much more difficult it is for others and we feel grateful for the circumstances we find ourself in.

This afternoon I headed out to Antsirabe's Saturday Market (Tsina Sabotsy) to get many of the items I had on my list. Every time I come to town, I have a list of foods and supplies I want or need. Unfortunately the paint store didn't have the gray paint I was needing to finish my doors back at the CSB. He did say he'd be able to have it in by tomorrow morning though.

Tonight, I'm staying at the other official Peace Corps hotel in town - Lovasoa. Rather than spending the big bucks for a room with its own bathroom, I went for the 47,000ar room (less than $10) with shared bathrooms and showers across the hall. I've been told there are also dorm rooms available for only 17,000ar (about $3.50) but I am concerned about security with all the items I'm hoping to buy and take home on this trip. I was surprised to find the hotel nearly empty. Even Peace Corps volunteers were not in tonight but many have work to do on Fridays and wouldn't come in till tomorrow. Thomas from G57 was here but he was sick and unable to visit. Michelle and Kristy live just minutes away so they have no need of hotels here. Tracy won't be in town till tomorrow afternoon. Emily and Tahlia would also be here in the morning.

Dinner was at the Green Park hotel restaurant - just me.

Saturday, 1 July 2023 (138)

This morning I heard my name being called out in the hallway. It was Emily. The hotel people were planning on putting her and Tahlia in my room when I vacated it. Emily and I went to breakfast and caught up. Again, it was good to hear how difficult and complicated she was having at her site which is just a short bicycle ride out of town.  

At the paint store they only had two of the gray paint buckets instead of the four I had hoped for. Ended up getting two light blue buckets for the delivery room. Just a another stop at one of the four American style food stores for some meat and canned items. I don't think I can buy meat in Sahanivotry anymore. It's bad enough to make anyone a vegetarian - maybe even me - or at least a non-meat eater.

Home on the Taxi-brusse. Bought candy but it was all given away before we even left Antsirabe. 

Dobby missed me and had lots of small messes in the house but nothing to worry about. She got into the box of additional food items under the kitchen table and had herself some cookies and crackers. I'll be more worried when she gets some bigger teeth and actually does damage to my shoes and various cables here and there.

Sunday, 2 July 2023 (139)

Woke up not feeling well and thus didn't get to church in Manadona.  I've got to stop compensating meals with cookies and treats. Maybe instead just live with the one maybe two meals a day without additional treats. I feel like I'm headed back up with the weight.

It was a slow day. 

Still no water - eighth day? We did get a little last night (it may have lasted an hour but with very little flow and pressure) and I filled my plastic laundry bins with enough water to use one for washing and one for rinsing.  Filled up my reserve water containers as well.

Surprisingly, I was able to get all my clothes washed - only took a couple hours. The doctor is still out of town.

Monday, 3 July 2023 (140)

Back to painting. Got the other two kabone doors, their frames and the visitor kabone and its frame. Doctor Clertant asked me if I could paint a couple 4x4 panels gray. I think they are for his house or chicken coop. Eventually, I expect he'll ask me to help paint his place but we'll see. I also presented him with a much brighter light for the delivery room but it needs an adapter as it currently isn't your standard screw-in type but something else.

Dobby and I walked into town together. This is the second or third time we've done this now. She stays right at my heels, almost a little too close as I have to constantly make sure I'm not about to step on her. I think the town residents think it cute if not odd. I've tried to get her to interact with some of the other dogs but that usually turns out bad when they start growling at each other and that just leads to me being in-between two snapping dogs. Good thing I have my rabies shots.

Bought our usual couple bottle of Capris BonBon Anglais soda that tastes like bubblegum. I drink almost no water from the purifier even though I have plenty of Kool-Aid flavoring. I really should be doing that more. I've been trying to get my dozen eggs from the restaurant people but it seems every time I go by, they still don't have them. So my source for getting eggs reliably may not be so reliable after all.

It's very difficult to be honest with my Peace Corps handlers and medical doctors. I doubt they would want to hear how not nutritious my diet is but what are my options. Now that I am here I doubt they would send me home especially if I continue to appear healthy. All they would have to do to find all my rule breaking ways is read this journal/blog which no one would.

Tuesday, 4 July 2023 (141)

It may be a holiday and we may even have it off but it was just another day at the CSB for me. If I'm not here on Tuesdays, I don't feel useful. Thursday's too but they are so much slower and I can usually find some painting or cleaning up around the CSB to do. I'll take my holiday on Friday and head up to Antsirabe for an overnight.

It's the 9th or 10th day without water here. I sent a note to my program guys and they didn't have any answers - not that I expected any - just thought I'd give them an update. We did have a short flow for 20 minutes today and I was able to restock my reserves and my shower water. I've gone back to using the battery powered shower head in a bucket of water so I was able to shower today.

Told the doctor I'd like to buy some curtains but wanted him to pick them out. We went to the market and bought them and the rods to hang them with. I've still got to take them to Antsirabe and have the sewing ladies sew up the ends and create a pocket for the rod at the top.

Wednesday, 5 July 2023 (142)

Manda came over for tutoring. We went up the mountain and video interviewed David - the carpenter. I am using Manda as my interpreter and director. He'll also have to help me in the editing. I also mentioned how I'd like to help David and repaint his house - at my expense. Just needed to check on color and timing. I suppose I have just come across a familiar spirit and I'm going all in at helping. Call it my own brand of Peace Corps helping. The PC hates it when I am giving because they worry it will give an impression about the Peace Corps that they cannot continue.  And they are also not here to fund individuals rather broad strokes like health, economic development and agriculture.

We also set up interviews with the Doctor and the Mayor for Friday morning about 9am.

I think I'm coming down with something. Certainly I have the sniffles and fever.

Thursday, 6 July 2023 (143)

Nothing going on at the CSB so I started painting the windows in the room where pregnant mothers stay. Of all the things I could be painting these windows are the worst. They all have panes of glass that I either have to mask or scrape after painting. And I don't know if a conventional scraper can be found in Antsirabe.

Previous Volunteer Bella & LCF Nico

Friday, 7 July 2023 (144)

This morning Manda stopped by and we filmed the mayor. Then off to Antsirabe leaving Dobby here overnight.

Bella and the LCF Nico was there. We hung out a bit then off to lunch at a new place. I had to leave around 4pm to pick up the curtains I was having sewn. And then off to Hotel Lovasoa to get a room.

Saturday, 8 July 2023 (145)

As usual, my last stop in town is at my favorite paint store so I can take a PusPus to the taxi-brusse heading home. This time, I bought a large 20K bucket of yellow for the CSB pregnancy stay room and 3 small 8K buckets for more doors and windows. 

The taxi-brusse people wanted to put five people in our back row where only four can sit comfortably. 

It was me and three other older types back here. I paid for two seats. Then I gave a couple of the taxi-brusse guys a little money extra. I think they are starting to expect it so I shouldn't keep doing this.

Home by about noon so I went back to painting the CSB. Dobby had done fine again - this was her second more than 24 hour stays in the house. She did manage to get in the trash so I've got to puppy-proof the place better next trip. Got the first coat of yellow down on half the room. Keeping my mind busy by listening to podcasts as usual. I need a few days and more paint to get this room finished.

I had an interesting idea for the video competition the Peace Corps have invited out submissions for.

Monday 10 July 2023 (147)

Painted thru the weekend including this morning. Got four more of the CSB's of the CSB's doors done and had thought to paint the front doors when some kids came by looking for the English class. I had forgotten all about agreeing to teach some English. Turns out we had 20 kids and even the interns and my co-workers. I pulled out the 100 words cards I had brought from America and adlibbed a class. But it's too large to actually teach and be effective. I have no idea who to turn away and suggested we meet again on Wednesday at 10 when I've got Manda here to help me work through a solution and share it with these kids.. I pulled out the 100 words cards I had brought from America and adlibbed a class. But the group is too large to actually teach and be effective. I have no idea who to turn away and suggested we meet again on Wednesday at 10 when I've got Manda here to help me work through a solution and share it with these kids.

There was one young man - Salva (hard to believe he's 18) who has a good grasp on English who I am hoping to use to help me teach as well as play interpreter for me. I'd like to pay him something but don't know what the best rate might be.

Smaller CSB south of Sahanivotry

Tuesday, 11 July 2023 (148)

At the CSB to start but was asked to go with one of the older AC's (Risda) to another location where I would be giving presentations. I had no idea where she was taking me as we started walking out of town south. We passed the Mayor's house and about 1 mile further came to a small one room structure where women were bringing their infants for weighing and measurements. I gave another presentation on sanitation to maybe 10 people and everyone appeared to find it amusing. Of course I stammer thru and likely mispronounce many words but they sit through the 5-7 minutes with patience. I doubt I do any good with the content about washing hands after using the bathroom and before eating. But this is an essential of Peace Corp duties.

Sanitation Presentation Flipbook

This afternoon I met with Salva's aunt, a cousin or two and explained what I intended using Salva for. Not sure I was asking for permission or just explaining his role. Not knowing what the going rate for paying him would be, we settled on 2000ar an hour but this would not be all hours we spend together, just the hours I determined he was actually helping and not just hanging around to learn. We then went around the market and Salva and I exchanged words for various things around the market. And I finally got that dozen eggs I paid for two weeks ago.

Speaking of Manda's tutoring role - I've reversed the roles with Manda and use him for my benefit in all ways other than language. He's my translator between the doctor and other staff, he's my director on interviews, is translating them roughly into English and assists me in arranging the interviews. He's learning more from me than I from him. Language, vocabulary, and new Malagasy study hardly comes up but he is immensely helpful in making my relationships and cultural understanding much better here.  Well worth the 15,000ar ($3) an hour I am paying him and the Peace Corps is reimbursing me for.

Wednesday, 12 July 2023 (149)

Manda and Salva were here in the morning and we discussed going into Antsirabe on Friday, staying overnight and returning on Saturday. I'll have to pick up the Taxi-brusse, meals and hotel stay for Manda and plan on sending Salva back with some paint and a key to lock the paint and Dobby in the house. I'm trusting that Salva is honest and trustworthy. Though I did say to him - "If anything goes missing, I know who to suspect." 

Back to painting front and back doors of the CSB.

Thursday, 13 July 2023 (150)

I had  forgotten that we had agreed to have English class (or club as they are calling it) at 10 am until half a dozen kids turned up. It was only 8 or 9 total once Salva and his cousin arrived so there was no real need to whittle it down to four to six. I pulled out the "Sorry" game and taught the group. In the process - I had them learn the four colors - Red, yellow, blue and green and the numbers on the cards, as well as counting allowed when they moved their game pieces. It's only a four player game but we doubled up on teams. The plan is to have a one hour class on Mondays and Wednesdays. Next week I should come up with real words and phrases instead of a game. Perhaps we can alternate between games and English structure.

I had hoped to spend much of today editing or at least organizing some of the video footage I have. It's been discouraging believe it or not getting back into editing. The laptop has some real issues and I have not yet troubleshot the new desktop of its original problem keeping it from starting up.

But then the power went out and one realizes exactly how fortunate one is. Often it takes such a small loss to see the blessings we take for granted. My fallback for no power is my kindle and the solar lights. I also now have the two lights placed over the sink and stove that come on by sensor and can be recharged by USB. Fortunately I've never had to go for more than a coupler hours without electricity. And only those 10-11 days without water - so far.