Thoughts on Early Termination (ET)

Rindra (my tutor)

Wednesday, 26 April 2023 (73)

I was late in packing up and had to walk to PC Camp. Fortunately, they were coming to pick up my bags which is now grown to three bags plus. It was good to walk through Mantasoa one last time. Saying goodbye to my host family was emotional for me. I never did get a good look at Toto's pups.

At camp I was asked to sit and talk with Brett - the country director. He expressed his concern for me and my failing language skills. He told me everyone loves me and thinks I emulate the Peace Corp ideals and just wanted to know what my thoughts were regarding language and surviving in the field. I'm not sure why but he put the notion in my head that I could just call it quits and leave. 

Going to class I couldn't concentrate on anything that was being said about installation. Perhaps I misinterpreted to the idea that I really should ET (Early Termination). I vacillated back and forth and literally told Brett twice that I would ET. I even asked if I could swear in and then ET. After the second time, I asked if I could leave tomorrow after I said my goodbyes. He said he'd need me to depart immediately. I'm amazed he even let me get so far as to talk this way and not insist I leave with him back to Tana. He wanted me to give it some time but I had gotten it in my head and determined to go.

Then I called Natalie at 2am, her time. She set me straight and insisted I needed to get to site before making any rash decisions. I also talked with Samson, and Cedric, as well as Rindra. They all hoped that I would stay but before I decided for sure, I should pray about it and really should give going to site a chance.

So I put it all on hold.

I requested to take my LPI today vs tomorrow - just so I could get that pressure over with and see if I had progressed any in language. It was with Ursula. I thought it went well until the end. She gave me to ultimate poker face if not a little worrisome look like 'sorry, you didn't pass' look. We hit most of the areas I expected but the scenario was about a co-worker who got a new job. I was supposed to ask 4-5 questions about it. I got one of two good ones, two questionable ones and definitely a couple bad questions. I remember asking if this was their dream job but used the word sleep instead of dream. "Is this your sleep job?" My hope is that I got at least one level higher to Intermediate Low as Brett hoped I would to justify keeping me onboard.

So I took the LPI for the second time today. Ursula was my tester this time. I didn't like the poker face she gave me in the end. It didn't look happy and she said nothing about how I did.  

Went to my final round table review which is where four of the staff talk about your whole training here and areas that you have problems with such as socializing, language (my problem), health, behaviors that are causing issues. For the most part, they consider me a perfect volunteer. Everyone loves me and think I have great potential apart from my language skills which are currently at Novice High. I briefly stated my desire to stay and I also offered my own evaluation of them. I also recorded the conversation on the off possibility that something would be said that reflexed poorly on me related to their often misunderstanding of my emotions.

We were asked to meet after dinner and the main topic was non-fraternization. We've had that and been there.

After 45 minutes, I just walked out of a discussion that went way too long for my tastes. Every what if scenario was brought up and could continue for a very long time. Someone doesn't seem to know when enough is enough. Teach correct principles and let them govern themselves. Too many Peace Corp volunteers may be looking for answers for every situation and act more like adult wannabes than real adults.

Thursday, 27 April 2023 (74)

I have heard nothing about my results on either LPI. Not sure what more to study or what areas I'm having difficulty with.

Here's the email I sent to Brett to walk back my talk about Early Terminating yesterday. Amanda came by to ask if I was staying. I also let her see the email I was sending and she made a good suggestion or two. 

Brett,

Please disregard my comments yesterday. I think your ideas got me thinking along bad reasoning - my fault - not yours. I have spoken with friends here and with a higher authority - my wife - and she set me straight. She knows me best and what my motivations and reasons for being here are. I agree with her and know I need to truly get out there and know how or even if my language skills would be an issue.

Let me know if I need to say or speak to anyone else to ease their concerns over me. Consider me on board for the duration. I need to discover the real Peace Corps (and my role in it) out in the field before I make any bad decisions based on my current language skills. 

Again, sorry for being a trainee who probably appears off his meds. Thanks for your guidance in insisting I take the time to think it over. That was excellent advice.

Later in the day I received this.

Hi Rick,

I just learned that you scored “novice-high” again yesterday.  Please spend some extra time in the next few days to bring that up to “intermediate-low” next week.  If you need an LCF to help you over the coming weekend, we can likely provide one.  As I mentioned to you, I’ll agree to swear you in if you can get this result (combined with the commitment you already gave to me to continue to work on your language after swearing-in).

Thanks,
Brett E. Coleman, PhD MBA
Country Director | Madagascar

At first it was devastating. Not only did I think I did well but I can't determine what I have to change, improve or add on to get a higher rating. So far, I haven't received any feedback which I suspect would be coming but they are holding it to review with the higher powers and slow to get any back to me. Eventually, I just decided to suck it up. I told the head of our language that I wanted to be tested again tomorrow and every day until I get it. Rindra and I came up with a plan. I figure if I know better all the question words I can ask 4-5 questions no matter what the scenario I'm given would be. Then I added a couple more statements to memorize that would have addressed what I think I missed on the tests. Perhaps my biggest issue is that I have a hard time distinguishing what question I am being asked. I know for a fact that I answered a couple questions wrong. But even having the question repeated a couple times doesn't always explain what I'm being asked.

Friday, 28 April 2023 (74)

There are just a few short classes and they are not really heavy training - one on dance and music, another on empathy and inclusion which was taught by my tutor Rindra. She asked for examples of people who were allies and showed care and concerns for you. After a few minutes to contemplate, she asked for stories and examples. I expressed my difficulty with the language to the group and through all the stress and worry, all the struggling and difficulty - Rindra was always there to cheer me on and provide encouragement and inspiration. I said that if there was anyone who should teach this class, it is her, as she is profoundly qualified and exemplifies empathy in all she does. There was some applause and it took her a moment to compose herself and get through the moment. It was a great opportunity to say my piece in front of others who think so highly of her.

This morning, I had asked head of language training for another language test this afternoon. And insisted, if need be, a daily test. I mentioned how I'm not stopping until I bring up my language level - until I get this. I'm taking the positive approach. He looked happy to see that attitude. I then thanked my last tester even though she had scored me Novice Mid.

I discovered later after classes, it only helped, as I received an official invite to the swearing in. I clarified with him what that meant and if it indeed guaranteed my being able to swear in regardless of my language skill level. He said it did.

And then the third LPI.

I suppose I should have been less nervous but I wasn't. Here was a third tester who I always felt was sympathetic and kind to me. It started off well, but soon I found myself confused with several questions and wondered if I was answering incorrectly. Again the mivoyage (travel) question, and again I was very concerned I said the completely wrong thing. We went on and on until I thought we had finished. Only then did the tester bring out the scenario cards and asked gave me a scenario about being new to the neighborhood and needed me to ask 4-5 questions about them to discover more. 

Of course I was thinking beyond the obvious. There's no way that she wanted me to just ask the normal questions so I tried creating new one and had a very difficult time just handling words for neighborhood and seem to confuse my tester as I applied Mantasoa to this new neighborhood. Then I did the basic thing and asked name, where they were from, how old they were, if they were married - all the things that I never expected she would want me to repeat.

I think this was my worst performance of the three and I definitely gave off the vibe that I did terrible. She, on the contrary explained that I did good (whatever that means) and said we had literally talked for 20 minutes (I thought it was closer to 15) and that is an accomplishment in itself. I got the usual talk that I need to give it time.

Of course I wouldn't be getting any feedback on it this evening until they wrote it up and passed it up the chain of command. Later Benedicte would come over and share with me she had heard my comments about being the worst with the language and just wanted to share she too was below the required level. We traded studying ideas for our next test, which I hope there won't be anymore.

For now, I am relieved from the stress and pressure of having to do well - of having to deliver on a test. I had thought my testing days were well passed me - one of the benefits of retirement. I've lived with this new stress for weeks but for now, it has disappeared. Perhaps I will discover the need for another test - perhaps not, but it was nice to feel happy with no cause for worry for once in months.